(Locker Room Door Flies Open)
Charles Haley: Where the FUCK is Visanthe Shiancoe?(The equipment manager, the only person in the locker room, continues folding sweats in the corner, too terrified to respond to the large, angry male shouting obscenities into an otherwise empty room)
CH: Hey you! I'm talkin' to you, you little SHIT!
Equipment Manager: Excuse me, sir?CH: You fuckin' deaf, boy? I said Where. The fuck. Is Visanthe. Motherfuckin. SHIANCOE!
EM: Uh, I, well I --
CH: Answer the fuckin' question you little SHIT!
EM: Well, I-I don't know, sir. Coach gave the players the day off.
CH: Day off, what the fuck is that? For what?
EM: He said they deserved it after their hard-fought victory yesterday?
CH: 'Gainst the motherfuckin' Lions? That some kind of joke? And why'd you say that like it was a question? YOU FUCKIN' LYIN TO ME, BOY!?
(Equipment Manager shakes head back and forth quickly, multiple times, sputtering nonsense.)
CH: Well you tell this motherfuckin' Shiancoe faggot that I'm lookin' for him, you hear me you little fucking SHIT?
EM: Yes, sir. I will, sir.
[INT. MINNESOTA VIKINGS LOCKER ROOM - TUESDAY MORNING]
Visanthe Shiancoe: So I said to her, "Yes, of course I'm fucking watching! Why would I not be watching the road when I'm driving?"
Jimmy Kleinsasser: Oh man, I hate that shit. It's like, what else would I be doing? What else could I possibly be doing? One of the things I do when I drive a car is try to make sure that I don't run anybody over!VS: Yeah, well, maybe they'd understand if they ever got behind the wheel for once.
JK: Well get used to it, man. You got a lot more of this shit to put up with as a married man. Trust me on that one.
VS: Man I know it. Sometimes I wonder--what the? What the fuck is this?
(Shiancoe dips finger in white, sticky substance that has suddenly appeared on his cheek, and plays with it in between his thumb and forefinger.)
JK: Dude, did you just get shit on by a pigeon or something?
VS: This ain't no pigeon shit man, what the fuck is--
(A large, muscular man jumps out of Shiancoe's locker, completely naked, holding his erect penis in his hand)
Charles Haley: YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO SUCK THIS FAGGOT!
VS: What the fuck? What the fuck were you doing in there?
CH: You callin' me a faggot? Well I'll show you who's the real faggot, FAGGOT!
VS: What the fuck are you talking about? Did you just jack off on me?
CH: You know you liked it! You know you want to SUCK THIS! You thought you could call ME a faggot? Well guess what, bitch, who's the faggot now?
(Shiancoe frantically towels semen off of his face while making spitting noises and motioning for the equipment manager to bring him some water)
VS: Dude, what the fuck is WRONG with you? What are you talking about? I never called you a faggot, and frankly, despite the fact that you just masturbated on me, I'm more disturbed by your homophobia than anything else. Are you sure you don't have some issues of your own?
CH: Oh, that's precious. Really, that's fuckin' precious. Just keep playin' innocent, pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about.
VS: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT! WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU! WHO LET YOU IN HERE! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!?
CH: I saw you whip out that big ol' snake on TV last night, and I know EXACTLY what that means. No man ever takes out his penis and waves it in another man's face unless that OTHER man is a faggot. That's a universal axiom. NOBODY DENIES THIS!
VS: That was an ACCIDENT, you dumb shit! And I had no idea that you were watching. Who the fuck are you anyway?
CH: I'm Charles Mother Fuckin' Haley, damnit! You know who I am!
VS: Charles Haley? Didn't you used to play football, man? You should know better than that. I was just hanging out in the locker room. I promise you, I was in NO WAY trying to call you a "faggot," though I must say that I find that term very distasteful, and I think anyone who uses it as much as you do probably has some unresolved issues of his own.
CH: Yeah, but how does my cock taste, you FAGGOT!
(Charles Haley attempts to shove penis into Shiancoe's mouth)
VS: Oh it's fuckin' on now, you dumb motherfucker.
(Shiancoe chases Charles Haley out of room, but trips on his own penis, and is unable to aprehend him.)
VS: FUCK! I let that fucking asshole get away!
JK: Dude, what the fuck just happened.
VS: I don't know, but I'm calling security. That shit will not stand.
JK: I don't understand. I mean, WHAT. THE FUCK. JUST HAPPENED?
VS: Man, I told you I don't fucking know. Normally I would've just beat the guy's ass to within an inch of his life, but I didn't want to go anywhere near that crazy fuck. He looked like he might have rabies or something. But when he tried to put his dick in my mouth, that was just taking it way too far.
JK: I mean how did he even get in -- wait, did you just say that he didn't take it too far until he tried to put his dick in your mouth?
VS: Man, I don't know. You never know how you're gonna react in one of these situations until you find yourself in 'em. Listen, I'd rather not think about this right now. I just want to get out there, practice, play the game on Sunday, pretend to forget there are cameras in the locker room, leave my giant penis exposed for a few seconds, then go on with my life like it's any other day.
JK: I hear that, man. I hear that.
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