Wait a Minute, What Is This? Is This? No - No It Can't Be! NOOOOOOOOO!

Last night I went grocery shopping. (And yes, I will graciously accept the nomination for most exciting introductory sentence ever written.) For someone of my economic stature, this activity consists of purchasing the very basics - milk, eggs, orange juice, cereal, 16 oz. cans of Bud Light.

Pretty hard to fuck up, right? It's not like I'm looking for a rare Bleu Cheese from a specific French province known for feeding it's cows fresh baguettes and the tattered remnants of French self-righteousness.

Well, if you think that, you'd be wrong, son. Dead wrong.

(Getty Images: You think Prince can't ball? WRONG!)

Sure, everything seemed fine at first. The eggs were fresh, the Bud Light cans each contained 16 ounces of drinkable beer (I rigorously checked each one), but then this morning happened. To put the shocking events of this morning in the proper context, you need a little background information.

You need to know, for instance, that I had been working my way through a variety pack of Quaker Oatmeal every morning for the past few weeks (And yes, I will graciously accept the nomination for most exciting sentence written in the body of a blog post). That means that I was eating the same god damn prison food morning after miserable morning. So surely you can understand why I was so eagerly anticipating the switch to my childhood favorite and reigning cereal Heavyweight CHAMpion of the Woooooooooorld, Honey! Nut! Cheeeeeeriooooooooooooos!

But as I opened the refrigerator door, something immediately seemed off. I grabbed the milk, wary but optimistic, when what did I see but--No!No, it can't be! It just can't BE! HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED TO ME! WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS!

It's...It's...It's fucking SKIM milk!

WHY GOD! WHY?????????

(Getty Images: Realizing you purchase skim milk is slightly
more upsetting than finding your girlfriend's decapitated
head in a box in the middle of the desert.)

Nothing chafes my grundle like an accidental skim milk purchase (and believe me, there are a lot of things that chafe my grundle).

I mean, skim milk is blue, first of all. It's fucking blue. Do I really need to explain any further why it is the scourge of the Earth?

They should have the common decency to label these abominations properly. I'm sorry, yellow for skim, green for 1%, blue for 2%, and red for whole milk just doesn't cut it. Is that some sort of universal coding system? If it is, nobody told the hard-working American public about it, that's for damn sure.

I'm thinking something more along the lines of this:


Or, maybe they should go the way of tobacco companies and put clear, sternly worded warnings on the box:

I don't know what the solution is, I just know this madness has to stop. Skim milk, I fucking hate your guts. Have the decency to SHOW YOURSELF. You worthless, rancid traitor. You make me sick to my stomach.

(Getty Images: Milk was, indeed, a bad choice.)