(Getty Images: Fuck this guy)Now, I've had my fair share of problems with the subway, but ever since I moved out of Queens and into the Fratastic capital of the world (Upper East Side), there's been a new, immensely annoying component added to my morning commute.
The Sick Customer.
I don't know if it's because the people who ride the 4, 5, and 6 are generally less healthy than those who ride the N or W (doubtful), or because the conductors on this line default to "sick customer" every time there's a delay (more likely), but at least once or twice a week my half an hour train ride becomes an hour or longer due to some possibly imaginary asshole getting sick on the train.
Since I'm not sure what the actual explanation is, allow me to share my thoughts on both possibilities.
Possibility 1: Legitimately Sick Customer
Ok, here's my question for you, legitimately sick customer: If you're so fucking sick that you need to halt the most widely-used subway line in the entire country to receive medical attention, then WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU GETTING ON THE SUBWAY IN THE FIRST PLACE? You couldn't have possibly anticipated that your nasty case of Ebola was going to prevent you from completing your trip?
Really?
Here's some friendly advice for you: stay the fuck home. Nobody wants to be near you or your fatal case of chlamydia. And we certainly don't have the patience to wait for an ambulance to make its way through rush hour traffic in order to tend to your diseased phallus.
Now that we've covered that, here's my question for the subway staff: why don't you just boot this person off the train and be done with it?
"Um, dispatch, we have a problem, a woman is complaining of chest pains on the Bronx-bound 4 train. How should we proceed?"
"Whatever you do, DO NOT TAKE THIS WOMAN OFF THE TRAIN! The worst thing we could do right now is get her to a hospital as soon as possible. Our only chance is to keep her strapped to her seat next to the homeless man drinking vegetable oil. Also, don't forget to put a wooden spoon in her mouth."
As far as I know, the only thing that you don't move a patient for is spinal injuries (full disclosure: I am not actually a doctor). How many commuters are getting into head-on collisions with NFL-caliber linebackers on the subway? Unless someone is in danger of being permanently paralyzed, get that sick motherfucker off the train and keep moving. How does this not make sense?
Possibility 2: The conductor is lying in order to defer blame
As we discussed above, the possibility that there are actually that many sick customers is remote. Which leaves me with one other, much more plausible explanation.
The MTA is full of shit.
This really comes as no shocker, considering the MTA won't open its financial records to public inspection and is generally known to be more corrupt than a congress made up entirely of clones of Rod Blagovedevichiegevej (topical!).
So here's my question, MTA: Why the lies?
I don't ask for much in this life. I just don't want to be jerked around (by anyone other than my girlfriend, that is. HEY OOOOOO!!!).
So next time, instead of feeding me a line of bullshit about some sick grandmother in Brooklyn, just tell me the truth. Seriously, try it out. I think you'll find it liberating. Here, I'll even help you get started with some examples.
"Attention passengers, the Brooklyn-bound local 6 train is running with minor delays due to Albert. He didn't show up to work this morning and we had to hire a vagrant to take his place. As you could imagine, there's a pretty steep learning curve for this job, so don't expect to get where you need to go anytime soon."
Or, perhaps:
"Attention passengers, due to our complete and total incompetence, we will be getting you to work 45 minutes later than you had anticipated. We thank you for your patience."
Or even this:
"Attention passengers, we fucking hate your guts and are doing this just to fuck with you. See you in hell, motherfuckers."
Now doesn't that feel better?
Posts
0 comments:
Post a Comment