From the No-Fucking-Shit Department

The following headline comes from the front-page story of yesterday's AM New York. For those of you who don't know, AM New York is the shitty-but-free daily newspaper that everyone reads on the subway in, you guessed it, New York City. Well, there's also Metro, but that's only read by illiterates and Jets fans.

For those of you who are my grandmother (thanks for the $50, grammy!) and can't read the subhead, I've painstakingly reproduced it below:

Report: NYers who binge drink have more partners, greater chance of getting STDs

Wait a minute, let me get this straight. So you're telling me that if I drink a lot of alcohol, I'm more likely to lower my standards, therefore sleeping with more people than I ordinarily would if I weren't drinking Irish car bombs at 3 in the morning on a Tuesday night and, as a corollary, am more likely to contract sexually transmitted diseases?

Get.

The.

Fuck.

Out.

That really is some incredible investigative reporting right there. And since AM New York is apparently in the business of blowing my mind, I would love to see them tackle the following earth-shattering reports:

Report: NYers who rip their own balls off more likely to suffer from low sperm count

Report: NYers who ride subway to work more likely to encounter some asshole who stands in front of the turnstile while looking for his metrocard, not letting anybody else through even though he's nowhere near being ready to go

Report: NYers who want to watch a sunrise more likely to be successful when looking towards the East