There's No "Bat Shit Crazy Coach" in Team

A few months ago the writers behind Fire Joe Morgan, one of the funniest and well writtenist sports/humour blogs out there, decided that they no longer wanted to waste large chunks of time in a thankless, pointless, and revenue-less pursuit of internet naughteriety (see what I did there?).

Frankly, I'd rather not think about the tremendous amount of time and energy I've sunk into this petty, juvenile, and ultimately disgraceful stain on the shimmering beauty of artistic achievement that is The Internet. And even though FJM's departure from the interwebs has forced me to shine a harsh, unforgiving light upon my own pathetic existence, that doesn't mean I'm not sad to see them go, and it certainly doesn't mean that those sabermetric-loving Bostonites (and therefore likely racists), don't deserve a good ol' fashioned Biological Fanny Pack sendoff.

So, in their anal retentive honor, I will now pick apart, line-by-line, an email newsletter written by a completely real and completely terrifying Pee Wee Football coach.

Certain details have been changed to protect the innocent, and by "innocent" I mean friend who forwarded this to me, but I assure you, almost everything in this letter is 100% real.

Dear Team Parents, Players, Family and Friends,
It is with a heavy heart that I write this note: OUR season is over ……………………..

Ok, we're only at the greeting, but already there are strong indications that we're headed to crazy town on the express train. First of all, does Coach Carter really think this email newsletter is going to be read by distant relatives? Why else would he address "family" separately from parents? He's obviously under the impression that grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles are part of his audience.

Well I have news for you, Bear Bryant. There's no way in hell Aunt Jezabel (assumed name), who cut ties with her family 3 years ago in order "to rediscover what's real" by moving to Akron, Ohio and starting a Zoroastrain church, is going to want to read about Little Fatty Boom Boom's struggle to reach the top of the depth chart at right guard for his FOURTH GRADE FOOTBALL TEAM!

Perhaps your players forward it to their friends so they can all laugh at what a complete lunatic you are, but if the parents and family members of your charges are actually perusing this literature, they should all be put away for life for allowing you to look after their children.

Then we have the fact that "OUR" is in all caps.

Before we go any further, let's go over the famous Krazenberg Criteria for determining if you are a psychopath. For each answer that you answer "yes," award yourself one point. If you score 4 out of 5 or more, you are most likely completely bat shit crazy.

1. Do you randomly capitalize letters/words in your Red Sox message board posts/pee wee football newsletters?

2. Do you use punctuation in clusters of no less than 20?

3. Do you think you are an actual part of your pee wee football team?

4. Do you express this opinion using random capitalization and record amounts of punctuation in an email newsletter that you are writing with a "heavy heart?"

5. Do you enjoy the collected works of Carlos Mencia?

That's a solid 4 on the Krazenberg scale, but only because we don't have enough information to make a ruling on Question 5. All in all, I'd say there is a strong likelihood of dementia here.

but what a season it was, what a spectacular way to finish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not quite sure how you feel here. Are you sarcastically shouting at me, or are you truly excited? You should consider adding a few more exclamation points in your next newsletter to my family, friends, chaplains, parole officers and gynecologists.

Walt Disney could not have written a more storybook ending to what unfolded January 3rd, 2009 on a cold, grey and blustery Saturday afternoon on the turf @ Old Waterlands.

When you're right, you're right. Never in Walt Disney's wildest dreams could he have come up with a heartwarming story about a youth football team overcoming adversity.

Despite the elements and injuries, the Immaculate Nagging of Mary Bulldogs showed the Rolling Hills League what a TEAM, a "Band of Brothers", looks like!

How did these little warriors ever overcome those, "cold, grey, and blustery" elements? Surely this game will go down as one of the all-time great bad-weather games, right alongside The Slightly Overcast Bowl and the I Wish It Were A Little Sunnier Game.

Although some may feel that that is Cliché', I beg to differ. Any Coach worth his salt will tell you that there are certain aspects of sport that can not be taught:

Although some people think that I am a liar, I am not. Hey, have I ever told you about the time I had a threesome with Rosario Dawson and Beyonce?

"heart", "guile", "intestinal fortitude", "passion", "hunger" and "desire".

Other things that can't be taught: "Sheer and utter madness", "Not getting motion sickness while reading in the car", "thirstiness", and "a desperate longing for attention".

These are fundamental elements and building blocks for success. What these young men displayed on Saturday was remarkable! To be able to absorb a totally impromptu offensive scheme, with new personnel, new positions, new plays and a new Coach 1 hour before kickoff and WIN………………………….. EXTRAORDINARY!

I don't understand. Did you kidnap a remote African village's entire population of children, put them in uniforms, and say, "Go!" Why is the offensive scheme being devised on-the-fly? Why are all of the players being forced to switch positions and learn new plays with a new coach right before the biggest game of the season? Have you done anything to prepare these children to play an extremely violent contact sport?

And oh yeah, what happened to the old coach? Is he being held hostage in your basement, forced to listen to you sing "Who's Sorry Now?" while you dance around with your penis tucked in between your legs?

I'll admit, being able to win a game at which you are completely unfamiliar without any help whatsoever from the man who raped and killed your old coach is truly ........................................
............................................................................................................................................... AMAZING!

The ending was a combination NCAA Basketball 1983 NC State v. Houston + 1984 NCAA Football Game BC v. Miami + Christmas = all rolled into ONE!

Yes, this pee wee football victory was truly as magnificent as the birth of Jesus Christ the Savior, the living embodiment of God Almighty who was sent to Earth to die for our sins so that we may enjoy the everlasting paradise of Heaven.

You're not going overboard at all.

Coaches Berringer, Fiore, O'Malley and myself have spent the last 72 hours replaying THE GAME in our minds and re-living every fantastic moment!

We literally haven't slept in 3 days. We've been holed up in your former coach's home smoking crack and scrawling cryptic messages in blood on the wall.

Which reminds me, the Great Pig Satan Must Choke On the Flood of His Acid Blood.

When you are part of a team, decisions have to be made in the beginning of every Season: Am I willing to sacrifice my "wants" for the advancement of the team?

You want to what? You want to go home and see your Mommy? Well tough luck, you little shit. You're part of a team now, and sometimes being part of a team means not eating for 5 days straight, your petty "wants" be damned.

Everyone wants to play QB, WR and RB but a team needs Offensive Linemen in order to block for them…… and what blocking we had, without the blocks on that last play, Tommy does not have the chance to throw the ball and Steven doesn't have the chance to make "the catch" (move over Dwight Clark)

On Coach Crazy's tombstone I want the inscription to read:

Here lies a man who never met a gross overexaggeration he didn't love. His life was a combination of Tom Landry's, Alexander the Great's, Buffalo Bill's, and Pope John Paul II's.... ALL ROLLED INTO ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Am I willing to do what is asked of me by the coaches, without regard for myself and what position I would prefer to play? We constantly rotated players and positions on Defense, often without practice……….

This is what's known in the industry as the "permanent physical and emotional scarring clause."

We had the lowest scored upon Defense in the league for the Regular Season

No thanks to you, Coachy McNoGamePlan.

Will I accept a new challenge, place faith in myself, my teammates and God? Saturday was the epitome of this, these boys never doubted that we would find a way to WIN…….the smile has yet to leave our faces!!!!! Remember, football is just a Game! (The boys may have had to remind the Coaches of this fact a time or ten)

Are you trying to suggest that you might be a little too intense about coaching 4th grade football? That would show a shocking amount of self awareness, so I'm going to go ahead and assume that this section of the newsletter was ghostwritten for you.

If you make sure that you have FUN……..the outcome will take care of itself……………..

The outcome, of course, should be winning. So if you're not winning, you must not be having fun. START HAVING FUN YOU LITTLE SHITS!

Will I overcome any apprehension and nervousness that I may have inside? We had 26 players, 8 were first timers on a tackle team…….…… also, the boys were from 10 different schools…………….

What sort of a sick school is this? Are they recruiting 4th grade football players from across the nation? Why are they all transients?

I am not allowed to disclose the location of the Immaculate Nagging of Mary, but I can assure you it is not in any locale likely to be full of misplaced Hurricane Katrina victims.

Am I willing to provide Maximum Effort Every Play? Saturday showed this perfectly "Ability is what you are capable of doing, Motivation determines what you do, Attitude determines how well you do it" (Lou Holtz)

Are you willing to ask a question, then provide a completely random, unrelated quote to answer it? "Possession is 9/10ths of the Law" (Anon)

We look forward to seeing everyone in the INM Gym this Sunday evening @ 7PM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But until then, I will not tell you where I am keeping your children, so you'll just have to wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will keep everyone updated on when the Season Highlight DVD is complete! We just added more on Saturday!

Honestly, what else does this man have to do to be thrown in jail? HE'S TAPING YOUR CHILDREN AND TIRELESSLY SCOURING THE COUNTLESS HOURS OF FOOTAGE DAY AND NIGHT!

May the Grace of God be with you all during this Holy Season!

Coach Bat Shit Crazy

May God have mercy on the souls of your children.

Love, Coach.

P.S. I know/assume that my Company is pleased that I can now focus more of my attention on work; however, that provides little "Solace for the Soul".

You can't have it both ways, buddy. Either you know something, or you assume something. The two are mutually exclusive. However, I have a little "solace" for your "soul." You're not in jail yet. You should thank the dear sweet Lord every night for this miracle.

P.P.S I found a reversible jacket (Nautica, Size 12/14 Blue, Red and Grey/White) and a Fleece Redskins hat on our bench after the game. I will bring these on Sunday…………...

The owner of the jacket, however, has already been skinned and turned into a full body suit that I will wear to the gym on Sunday, at which point I will punish your children for their untimely exit from the playoffs by shooting them one at a time, firing squad style, as you look on paralyzed by shock and horror.