Why I Love New York City: Case File #216

Two weeks ago I went to a Bastille Day street fair with my girlfriend. In typical New York fashion, it was significantly more aggressive in nature than its relatively asphalt-free counterpart, the rural or suburban county fair.

The fairgoers went about their business briskly as they jostled for superior views of the culinary options, which were many, but not varied. At the majority of vendors' tents Mexican immigrants wearing floppy berets and black-and-white-striped t-shirts sold sweet and savory crepes.

My girlfriend and I wanted to see if we could find food that had at least a whiff of authenticity, so we fought our way through the length of the fair seeking a more palatable option. As we reached the end of the third and final block, we spotted a tent that appeared to be manned by real-life French people selling vaguely French-looking sandwiches. The baguettes, piled high in bins, looked crisp on the outside and soft on the inside. This fact alone was enough to make this tent more promising than the rest.

After spending twelve dollars on two smaller-than-average sandwiches filled with something that was called garlic sausage, but more closely resembled Spam, my girlfriend and I walked into Central Park to find a place to sit. The street fair was teeming with humanity, and we wanted a little bit of breathing room while we ate.

A minute or so after we had found an empty bench, a large, topless man sat down across from us. He waved money in the air and shouted loudly that he would give someone $100 to buy him a six pack of Bud Light. I tried to see if he was actually holding a $100 bill. Surprisingly, it looked like he might have been. It certainly wasn't a single. But after considering the financial, legal, and moral implications, I decided not to enter into a business relationship with this individual.

He began to chain smoke cigarettes, and continued to amuse me with his general demeanor. After a few minutes of this arrangement, my subject noticed that a street performer had sat down next to him. I couldn't have been happier. I had no idea how this peculiar person was going to react to his new bench mate.

Earlier, when he sat down, he yelled at a pregnant woman who had been sitting on a bench by herself. He was upset that she occupied the entire bench. He believed that she had purposefully prevented other people from sitting next to her.

Of course, he never tried to sit next to her. Nobody did. If they had, they would have succeeded. This, however, did not matter to this man. In his opinion, it was that dumb bitch's fault that she took a whole fucking bench. A whole bench. A whole fuckin' bench for that bitch. That dumb bitch. A whole fucking bench.

My mind ran wild with scenarios of how this chance encounter between the two eccentric personalities might shake out. The topless man had already proved himself to be a judgmental individual with strong opinions. He was also a man of action. If he wanted beer, he waved money and screamed wildly. If he did not like the way you took up that whole bench, he yelled threats in your general direction without making eye contact.

How would such a man react to the human who had taken the seat next to him? A human who, it must be stated, was of indeterminate sex and outfitted in a gold suit, gold shoes, gold hat, gold mask, and gold wig. Would my Bud Light-craving friend verbally abuse this person? Would he offer it money for beer? Would he steal its gold hat?

No, he would not. What I had not anticipated was that this man, despite his apparently simple mindset, had the capacity to look with wonder at a fellow creature who he deemed curious, much in the same manner that I marveled at his existence.

Luckily, I was able to capture this fleeting moment with the aid of a cell phone camera.

Just a moment before, I had been sitting on a bench in a park eating a somewhat disappointing, allegedly French sandwich that I had done battle with a large swath of humanity to attain. Then, out of sheer coincidence or beautiful fate, a fascinating glimpse into a primal component of the human psyche had been placed in front of me for what seemed like the explicit purpose of my amusement and enlightenment. It was as if the Gods were saying, "Yes, you have picked the correct place to live. Here is some proof of our approval."